August 23, 2008 • By Day

I have always prided myself in being a perfectionist. I joked about my obsession with order and getting all A's and doing my job without a hint of error. My husband teased me that I have to have everything in my life so perfect, yet I consistently squeeze the toothpaste tube in the middle and I seem to be incapable of screwing the cap on fully. His observations hinted at the underlying dilemma of pursuing perfectionism in life: we try and try, but we never succeed.

 

It has only been in the last year that I realized perfectionism is nothing to take pride in - it is a PROBLEM with pride - and insecurity. I could walk tall and confidently only when I succeeded at everything I did. Additionally, I sought to win the approval of others by proving that I am worthy of their respect/trust/friendship/whatever by being so amazingly good at everything that they can find no fault in me. I don't have to even begin to explain to you how screwed up that is, I'm sure. 

 

So, when you examine what I just said and realize that all my attempts at perfection were done to either 1) make myself feel better about myself or better than others; or 2) win the approval of other flawed human beings, and when you learn that perfectionism is a learned behavior by those who find themselves feeling conditionally loved and accepted by their primary caregivers, you begin to see why perfectionism is not something to strive for. Perfectionism is instead a cover up to mask the hurt and pain of not feeling loved and accepted for simply being the person you are.

 

When I look at how Christ loves me, I realize that striving for perfection is ridiculous and prideful. It puts a responsibility on my shoulders that I am not meant to carry and it forces me to depend on myself rather than depending entirely on Jesus. The truth about perfectionism is it separates me from that beautiful grace that only comes from Jesus. When I rely on my own strength and ability, my motivation to achieve perfection is completely selfish. It looks like the pitiful child who is doing anything in her power to gain the attention and praise of people who are too busy to notice. All the work and effort I invest in looking so impressive is lost on those around me who are far too busy to worry about how much time and effort I put into getting the details on a form just perfect, or that all the napkins' folded sides line up just so.

 

Perfectionism is a habit and a mindset that I have started working to overcome. I recognize that although I am to serve Christ well and with 100% commitment, he has not created me to be perfect in all I do in this life. I am flawed just like everyone else. I am flawed for a purpose and I need to allow myself to fail. In fact, my Savior challenges me to dream big dreams; to go for it with all my heart as long as that heart is committed to him first and foremost. He loves me equally in my failures and my successes! In that way, he has given me the freedom to fail hugely, but to fail within the confines of his loving arms and his encouraging voice; the arms that lift me again to my feet and the voice that whispers in my ear to get up and try again!

 

 

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